fear – Page 2 – sacred intimacy

masturbating christians

i came across this article today on elephant journal, and was intrigued by a story so similar to my own… the conflict between my body’s knowingness and what my socialized brain is telling me i “should” be doing/thinking/feeling… i went through a very similar journey when i was a teenager, just beginning to explore my own pleasure in a real way. the internet was just beginning to be a worthwhile source of information, and i would sneak online after everyone else was asleep to search for what in retrospect i would call: healthily sex-positive, educational materials on masturbation. (not much available at the time, but i learned the potential of shower heads.) i also searched and searched for any quality Catholic sources, that had a more liberal, open-minded approach to masturbation. i knew with such certainty in my body that what i was doing couldn’t possibly be morally “wrong”, but i so wanted to be a “good girl” and have the approval of God, my parents, etc.

to this day, it infuriates me that a male-run institution had the gall to set up laws that would inhibit my own relationship with my sexuality, in ways that would affect me deeply, for years to come. as this author states, she (and i) had to go through sexual assault (multiple times), trusting others more than ourselves, etc… before finally bringing awareness and healing to this rift in ourselves. is the power of female sexuality really that terrifying? and if so, what kind of gender divide in our culture is responsible for creating such a difference in our experiences of healthy sexuality?

queen nicki

i bow down (again) to the prowess and badassedness of nicki minaj. she has once again caused a delightful media frenzy with her newest video, anaconda, mostly focused on the air time given to her ass in said video. a number of sources questioned if this was “too racy for [nicki’s] own good” and one even called anaconda the most explicit video ever made (no double standards here, naturally….)

[youtube=http://youtu.be/LDZX4ooRsWs]

even socially liberal, more radical folks critique nicki’s bombacious and overt show of feminine sexuality. and i think there is always a place for fair-minded critique through various social lenses, etc… but in the spirit of many truths existing simultaneously, and a goal of living in the messiness, i salute and adore nicki minaj for the power and i-don’t-give-a-fuck attitude she consistently displays.

my own read on her subtle subversiveness: a simple, superficial interpretation of some of her work is that she is molding herself into a sexual object for the desirous fantasies of men. and this isn’t necessarily false. we are all women socialized from birth to be sexualized, objectified beings; it is unreasonable to believe that this doesn’t intertwine and play into absolutely everything each of us does– either propping up or opposing this social more. there is a power, however, in an individual from a societally disenfranchised group grabbing what is “expected” of them and turning it on its head.. using it to their own devices. in some regards i see nicki minaj doing similar things to artists such as kara walker.

the cherry on top of this video’s sunday is nicki walking off-screen, leaving drake high and dry at the end…

addressing violence against women via an ally with male privilege: jackson katz

i was moved by the authenticity and care of katz’ energy, presentation, and way of discussing these issues. he even acknowledges right away in the beginning of the talk, the misplaced acknowledgement and affirmation men will get over women when standing up and addressing these issues. i tip my hat to his sensitivity, strength, and passion in addressing what he suggests is a “male issue” rather than a “female issue” of violence against women (and girls and boys).

if you are a human on this earth who has any women, girls, or boys in your life for whom you care deeply, please watch this, and sit with the messiness of the truth he is speaking.

[youtube=http://youtu.be/KTvSfeCRxe8]

dear wayne: meditations on humiliation

a dear friend of mine bought wayne koestenbaum’s book “humiliation” while we were together in winnipeg, this winter. we decided a fur background felt most fitting for some reason for an impromptu photo shoot…

it is a pretty fascinating and on point read, from the excerpts i have read. then i found out about a youtube series of “dear wayne” dillemnas… if nothing else, wayne poses some interesting situational decisions…

not knowing

sometimes i begin writing a post for this blog, and am overwhelmed by the knowledge of how tiny my “knowledge” is… how inadequate. i really only know about a few things that resonate or work for me. and i know a lot of things that don’t work for me. and i keep moving forward in life trying and failing to establish more balance, clearer knowledge of myself and my responses, and sharing what i can when it feels right.

this seems a weak basis from which to speak the truth from my western paradigm of backing up arguments with facts and numbers. my little brother would rip this apart with sound logic and facts. a new love of mine would tell me to just hold space for this. i am slowly learning what it means to hold space in real ways. how to hold space for my not-knowingness. how to hold space for multiple truths that may be in conflict with each other. how to hold space for not understanding. how to read communication for the need(s) that it is trying to convey.

to really live being present seems to me to involve dropping all artifice of “knowing” and fundamentally accepting experience in this moment for whatever it is. this is impossibly difficult for most of us… and perhaps often we discover that the stillness is ultimately a trigger for us, setting off feelings and emotions we would prefer not to feel.

returnings

i have taken an unexpected hiatus the past couple months… i said goodbye to a dear lover two weeks ago, and my thoughts and energy have been heavily with him the past months, as i have processed and worked to let go. i have never had to say goodbye to someone like this before. it’s fascinating to observe myself and the (emotional/psychological) phases through which i have gone… it’s difficult, relieving, troubling, un-grounding, grounding, surreal in varying moments. what a wild and interesting journey life is. what an immensely beautiful privilege to love someone and be loved, however transient the experience is.

in the meantime i have been thinking of many things i wanted to address here, and am looking forward to jumping back in. i have ideas about online dating (many thoughts on this…), masturbation practices, sex toys, making home sex videos, and the energetics of sexual encounters, to name a few…

so, dear readers and followers, please forgive my absence, and i am so happy to be blogging again! please stay tuned for lots of titillating excitement this summer and, as always, please send me a note if you’d like me to address something in particular or if you’d just like to say hi!

xoxo

a note to my lover

if i weren’t afraid of being sappy, i would tell you about how i feel right now. the mellow, slow swirling of your energy still moving all through my limbs and torso and pelvis. the way i still feel your delightful skin touching every inch of me. how delicious it felt to slide my naked body up against your sleeping warmth after my shower this morning, and how deeply loved i feel by you.

vulnerability is my greatest strength and weakness. you receive my love so beautifully. trusting you to not use this to your own ends, as so many have done (wittingly and unwittingly), feels alternately elating and terrifying. but i have chosen to make trust and vulnerability a practice. and i have chosen you.

i have chosen you.

xoxo

bdsm practitioners more psychologically evolved than their vanilla counterparts?

i’ve been curious for some time about the potentially healing benefits of bdsm (“BDSM is a variety of erotic practices involving dominance and submission, role-playing, restraint, and other interpersonal dynamics.” –wikipedia) i continue to be fascinated by the potential to enact our darkest ingrained dysfunctions in a healthy, loving space… how empowering it can be to recreate a powerless space by choice, choosing to re-enter the trauma space; except this time with full power. as so interestingly shown by guy maddin in my winnipeg, when he hires his childhood home and actors to literally re-enact scenes from his childhood.

People in the BDSM scene reported higher levels of happiness in the past two weeks than people outside it, and they said they felt more secure in their relationships.

ironically, bdsm is still listed in most countries as a mental disorder.

my suspicion is that all of us have some kind of deep, dark fantasies. but it takes work and intention and self-awareness to find them. i consider discovering my fantasies and kinks as mile markers on my journey of self-discovery.

cheers to self-discovery… whatever path that might take.

unbreakable

fuck me until i break
until your mouth
inhales my screams
and this emptiness inside of me
folds in on itself

fuck me like you don’t care
like i have the strength
of a thousand goddesses
like i am
unbreakable

fuck me.
throw me.
restrain me.
slap me.
put me where you
want me
and take me.

take me.
for all the times i said no
for all the moments my voice was silenced
for each lewd look and whistle
for all the power that was taken from me
and for the darkness inside of me…

this time i speak
and you hear me.

this time
i say yes.

national down syndrome day – sex & disability

today is national down syndrome day. as an ally of the disability community, i’d like to take this opportunity to address a topic i rarely see publicly addressed (and suspect/have reason to believe it is rarely privately addressed either): sexuality & cognitive disability.

i have a dear one in my life with down syndrome. i also have worked in the personal care and group home sector. across the board it has been my experience that adults with cognitive disabilities tend to be treated as children by even the most well-intended. since america still is in rampant denial of children/minors being sexual beings, it stands to reason that we would be equally unwilling to grant sexuality to adults with cognitive disabilities.

but the fact is, we are all sexual beings, and people with cognitive disabilities have sexual desires, just like people without cognitive disabilities.

josh (name has been changed), an adult with whom i once worked, had a cognitive disability. he was dating a woman who lived in a neighboring group home. through the time they dated, josh explicitly requested sex ed information on 3+ occasions, and was kindly and patronizingly denied each time. similar to our “abstinence only” myth, we believe that if we ignore something hard enough, it will disappear, that our children’s sexual urges will just disintegrate via repression. unfortunately, that has never been an effective method to keeping us safe, healthy, and informed. i have heard many stories over the years similar to josh’s. why is it that an adult can come forward respectfully asking for information on his sexuality, and we would refuse him?

we need a sea change around disability, almost as badly as we need it around sexuality. consensual sexual expression that does not inflict harm on others should be a fundamental human right, one of the immensely complex and beautiful potentialities of the human experience. if nothing else in this life, we should own our bodies, and have the right to expose them to the experiences we want.